The life of a pincushion

and so it begins...getting stuck over and over to check my PT INR levels.

Today I noticed some slight bleeding and have had a headache since the night before. Called the dr and had to go to the hospital for stat bloodwork. My PT INR is 5.6. Lets say that a level of 1 would be normal. They want me between 2.5 and 3. Essentially what my level of 5.6 means is it would take me 5.6 times longer to stop bleeding than if I had a normal level! Pretty scary...glad I didn't shave my legs this morning LOL.

I drove to the hospital and parked in the wrong parking lot. Even though I have been in numerous area hospitals for numerous surgeries, this is actually a new hospital to me. I changed drs last year and my new dr is affiliated with a different hospital than my previous dr. Anyway....I had to walk across the entire hospital to get to the lab. No normally, that would be no big deal. But with 2 Pulmonary Emboli sitting in my lungs, well, i was tired by time I got there.

After my blood draw, i drove back home and just settled back on the couch when the phone rang. It was the dr's office with the results already. I have to stop the coumadin for 2 days and then repeat blood work on Monday...yippy... My arm is still a mess from the tape on the picc line...now I get to have little bruises from the blood draws to go with it.

You know, a funny thing happens when you are told by numerous health care professionals that you almost died. You begin to think about dying, and how your life has been and how you want it to be.

I have always felt it is unfair, the number of surgeries I have had, the different medical problems. . And now, this latest episode has really put me over the edge! I mean, come on, what did I do to deserve all this? I must have been really, really bad in a former life.

One thing has bothered since the beginning of all this... even before the ambulance got to the house, way before we knew how serious this whole event was. This began on January 13th, which would have been my dad's 74th birthday..it was also the anniversary of his death. That's right, he died on his birthday 11 years ago...and I almost died on the same day. How strange is that? Many have told me how lucky I am to be alive. The dr that followed me in the hospital said I had a guardian angel on my shoulder. Could that have been my dad...looking out for me?

Shortly after my dad died, I had a very vivid dream about him. But to understand, I have to back up to what caused his death. He had been sick with a bad cold (like I had been) and wouldn't go to the dr (like I didn't go to have my leg checked). The day before he died, I called him and tried to get him to go to the dr but he wouldn't...stubborn Dutchman lol.

So back to my dream. In my dream, the phone rang and it sounded so real, just like the phone I had at the time. I answered and it was my dad. He told me he could only make one phone call (heaven must be like prison lol). I asked him why he didn't go to the dr and he said, "I wish I had, honey, I wish I had." And that was the end of the dream. I very seldom remember my dreams and this was very vivid and real.

My father's cause of death is listed as massive heart attack. It now looks like he had the same clotting disorder I have and he had clots that went to his heart. So 11 years later, I have the same sequence of events. I come down with a pretty bad cold. I don't go to the dr to have my leg checked, and I have a blood clot that breaks off and travels to my lungs. How freaky is that? Yes, i would say that Dad was looking out for me once again... Thanks Dad! I miss you!

Way back when I was in nursing school, we learned about the 5 stages of grief. Everyone has to go through the stages in order to deal with grief and tragedy. The 5 stages are:

1. Denial: The initial stage: "It can't be happening."
2. Anger: "Why me? It's not fair."
3. Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my children graduate."
4. Depression: "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"
5. Acceptance: "It's going to be OK."

So...I was in denial,I am angry, I am hurt, I am disappointed, I am scared. I don't think I have gotten to bargaining yet and I certainly have not gotten to acceptance yet. 3 out of 5 ain't bad!